Chapter 4

Zsadist

My mind is racing with all these different thoughts, all these different emotions. I am not an emotional person, I don’t do emotions; but find myself sitting on the floor in the training center, thinking about feelings and shit. I know this isn’t the time or the place to be going through this, so I stand up, thanking Payne for the water and ahead back to the main house. Thoughts of Payne still flowing through my head, I don’t know why I thought of her as ‘mine’. There was a time in the beginning of me and Bella’s relationship when I thought of Bella as ‘mine’. Those were the ‘honeymoon’ days, so to speak. The days when we would have sex and everything worked like it should, well mostly. I was still having trouble with the touching thing, but she helped me work through part of that. It was the time when I first fed from her that I thought, maybe she would be my It, my female and maybe, if I ever get my shit together, my shellan.

Those days are long gone. I still care for Bella but nothing compared to what I see my Brothers going through. The other brothers have found their shellans, I am the one just dragging Bella along, giving her false hope. But what if it isn’t false hope? What if things change and we can be together? What if this is just a rough time and I end up getting my shit together and everything falls into place? That is what she wants, and I would like to make her happy any way that I can. Frustrated beyond belief, I rub my head over my skull-trimmed hair. I find myself aimlessly wandering through the halls of the main house, knowing that people will be awake soon. Walking to Wrath’s office, the door is open and I see him sitting at his desk. I knock on the door jam and walk in, knowing that if he didn’t want to be bothered the door would be closed.

“Hey brother, what’s doin’?” Wrath asks as he is bent over documents with his magnifying glass.

“Nothin’ much, just wanted to give you my hunting schedule for this month.” I know that he is going to shit a brick when I tell him to schedule me for every day possible, I hold my breath in anticipation.

“Yeah? Ok, when you free?” Wrath still hunched over the documents, not giving me a second look.

“Every day. I need as much time out there as possible.” Watching Wrath’s every move, I wait for him to lose it. I wait for him to stand and start yelling because that is what he does. Instead, he lowers his magnifying glass, takes off his wrap-arounds and rubs his eyes.

“What about down time? Rest?”

“I don’t need to rest. I need to be out there doing what I do best.”

Wrath looks up at me, his sightless eyes boring into me. I am almost taken aback by the intensity. “Bella has been talking to Beth, and Beth has been talking to me. I am not going to rehash everything that was said because you are living it, you know. Bella is here because it was safe for her after her abduction. Time has passed and we let Bella stay because it seemed like you two have found a liking in each other. But, after what I see in your hunting schedule and what I heard from Beth, it seems that is not the case.” Wrath put his hands on the desk, contemplating his next words. “If she’s not for you, then don’t string her along. I can tell you are keeping your cool about this and that is the only reason I have put you on rotation as much as I have. But after this next week, you are going on rotation like all the other brothers. No more of this every day shit. You are being cut off until you get your shit straight. You need to find out what you want and if that doesn’t include Bella, then you need to sit down with her and talk it out.” Wrath put his wrap-arounds back on and picked up his magnifying glass. “Now, I will see you back in here after this week to talk about your rotation schedule then. Hopefully you would have worked things out by then.”

Not knowing what to say I stand and nod and head to the door. This was the first time Wrath didn’t hand me my ass when talking about my personal life. I think Beth really has done wonders to him and how he sees all of us. It’s different, it’s a little bit on the Nancy side, but it’s fine by me. I have a week, one week, where I don’t have to worry about confronting Bella and I can just keep doing what I’m doing.

That night I went hunting with Butch and Phury, not much difference there. I come back to the compound, showered and slept next to Bella. I knew she wanted to talk to me about something but she kept her mouth shut, so I took advantage and slept for a couple of hours. I woke up like I always do, hours before night fall, and hours before anyone was awake. I took advantage of this time and headed to the training center. The minute I headed down the corridor all I could think about is Payne and hoping she isn’t there. I don’t know what I would do if I had to see her again. Maybe I can just push myself past this nonsense shit about her being ‘mine’ and move on with my day. I mean she lives here too; we are bound to keep running into each other. And she has found a way to be in the training center during my times. It doesn’t bother me; it is what it is.

I walk into the training center and see her lifting weights. Or, not lifting weights is a more accurate description. She looks like she is struggling with them. I run over to her quickly and lift the bar up from her chest, stopping the Kevorkian routine that was in action.

Payne

Over the next few days, I try to keep myself busy and my thoughts on anything but Z. I even consider taking up knitting! But no matter what I do, his image invades my mind. His tattoos, his hair, his eyes, his chest, that scar on his face. All I want to do is trace it with my tongue and kiss where it meets the corner of his mouth. Stop it! I tell myself! He is with Bella! And you wouldn’t even know what to do with a guy like that. Verily, it is the truth; I do not have a mate. Once I came to this side, I fed from the warrior Qhuinn, who I have since discovered is a real 'ladies man'. No love connection, for me, there.

Seeing all the Brothers with their mates, it is hard not to dream of that connection; to have that bond with another. I can tell Z and I are very much alike - the outcasts, the unknowns. We don’t open up to others - we are different - we have skeletons in the closet we don’t want to talk about. But we seem to handle things the same - we work out. We both pump iron, run the treadmill into the ground, hit the shit out of a punching bag. And now, hopefully, we can take our aggressions out on each other.

I was glad that Z didn’t hold back from truly sparring with me, even though I was female. He gave as good as he got and I appreciated this. He gave me pointers and suggestions and we would determine what worked and what didn’t. It was very helpful for me and I hoped it was helpful for him.

All this thought of him was driving me insane, so I did what I always do, and headed for the training center. Working out always gave my mind peace. So I hit the gym, starting with a little cardio on the elliptical machine. Almost instantly my mind wandered, getting lost in the music blaring from the iPod stereo. I went over to the weight bench and added 25 pounds to each side of my normal 200 bench press. After a few reps tho, I realized I may have increased it too much. I began to struggle when two hands appeared around the bar and lifted it for me. I let my arms fall to the side and shook them out. I sat up and turned around, looking at the scarred face.

“Thanks. I guess I shouldn’t add so much weight at one time when I am here alone.”

“Yeah, not smart Princess. If you want to try a new weight, at least make sure someone is here to spot you.”

I stood and shook my arms out some more and walked to the center of the mats. I turned around to a fist in my jaw and a laugh. Immediately, I went into attack mode and began uppercutting his face with a left and right combination. He came back at me with a kick to the shoulder to which I countered with grabbing his ankle and putting my elbow to the back of his knee. I attempted to sweep his other leg out from underneath him, letting go of the leg I was holding, and as I turned my nose was met by his palm.

It felt like my nostrils just went screaming into my brain.

“Fuck! Z!” I was holding my hand under my nose to catch the blood. “What the fuck?!”